


It's Different

by righteousgonewrong



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, No seriously that's it that's all this is, Suicidal Thoughts, if you count this as suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 19:25:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3740728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/righteousgonewrong/pseuds/righteousgonewrong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester was not suicidal. There were just times he wished he could stop existing altogether. </p><p>It was different.</p><p>...Right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Different

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, it's just Dean talking about his own depressing thoughts. If you're not into plotless stream of consciousness angst, this ain't the fic for you.

Dean Winchester was not suidical.

It was mostly true. He’d never made any attempt to pull the trigger on himself, never cut into his skin with the intention of bleeding himself dry. But he’d thought about it.

Sometimes it was just small thing. A split second pause to stare at pooling blood before he patched up a wound, an extra glance down at his pistol on one of his worse days. Maybe he’d even pressed it against his head and let his hand brush over the trigger, but he’d never fired it. It was nothing he gave any honest thought to, just a passing impulse.

After all, he was a hunter. If he stopped to think about things like that, he wouldn’t have to do it himself. Because the time it took to think _maybe I should just let this ghost kill me?_ was all the time a monster would need to do him in. And while he might think about it sometimes, he doesn’t actually want to die.

Usually.

Which is the part that he doesn’t like to think about. The part he wouldn’t say even under the worst torture. Because it didn’t count. He’d never tried to kill himself, he would point out in his mind. So he wasn’t suicidal.

But he’d condemned himself to die to save his brother. And he’d tell Sam all the other reasons-- _I couldn’t live without you, it’s my job to protect you, I had to save you_ \--and they were all true, really. But he would never tell Sam that part of him, the smallest part, felt like he was getting what he deserved. He’d failed Sam. Why did he deserve to live when he’d failed the very thing he lived for?

And that wasn’t the only time.

When Sam left for Stanford he’d drunk himself to near insanity and drove just for the sake of driving. Secretly hoping he’d crash into something, but not enough to do it on purpose.

He had wanted to give himself up as Michael’s vessel. Wanted to close his eyes and just... not open them again. Ever.

He'd left Bobby a message saying “ _if you’re gone, I swear, I am going to strap my Beautiful Mind brother into the car and I’m gonna drive us off the pier._ ”

And maybe he'd thought about that one more seriously, if the panicked state he was in at the time could be considered thinking. It would almost be a mercy killing, he’d reasoned, putting them both out of their endless misery. Maybe it was the only way he could actually do anything about _anything_.

Looking back he’ll admit that was probably the worst he’s ever been.

But still, he hadn’t done it. He’d never actually tried it.

Not because he was strong or anything, no, he was the opposite. It was because he still had things to do, because he had to try and fix every mistake he’d ever made, and, above all, because he was afraid of death.

But it still counted, right? Right.

Dean Winchester was not suicidal. There were just times he wished he could stop existing altogether. 

It was different.

...Right?


End file.
